i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
