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I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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