I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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