Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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