Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize