im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
