too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
