Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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