4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
