Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
