well I can't set my house on fire every night
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just threw up on my dentist
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
