So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
