someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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