I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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