i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
