i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
