how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
