im drinking this country out of the recession.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
