why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
