Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
