did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
