just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
