Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
