I cannot find my penis.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
