I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
