I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize