And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
