I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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