So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
