____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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