he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize