You smell like stripper and shame
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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