i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
