I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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