There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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