mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
