i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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