Porn is love you can see.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
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And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
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Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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