we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
