Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
