first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
