Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
