i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
