Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
