I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
