How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
