drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
