jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
