he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
