Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
