I wish I could teleport
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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