i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
