she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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