so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
