When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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