Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
