Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
