she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
