My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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