hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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