Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
