Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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